Reinventing Anita, little woman, big shoes.: Preview "Cross Roads"

Reinventing Anita, little woman, big shoes.: Preview "Cross Roads"

Cross Roads

I don't know what it is, but when you reach a certain point in your life a lot of things lay in balance. Sometimes there comes a point that you feel like you are at a cross road and you don't know which road to take. I feel like I am that cross road.

What brings a person to that point in their lives when they don't know which way to go?
Do they stay with what is familiar and safe or do they take a chance on something brand new and not so safe? These are questions I find myself with.

I have no answers to my questions, I only know how I feel.
Right now I feel lost, like a big part of me is missing. I have always been a person
who had no problems choosing my paths or my directions. I always Knew where I wanted to be in my life. Right now I don't know where I want to be.

When a new opportunity approaches you do you cease the day and take the opportunity or do you let it pass you by?

Do you let go of everything that is familiar and take a chance on something new?

What if choices you make hurt the people that you love? Would you still take that new opportunity? Life is about being happy as someone very special once told me.
I want to be happy. Here is a big question of my day, am I responsible to make other people happy? Or am I responsible for only making myself happy?

I have prayed about my questions and I tried listening to the Holy Ghost.
Maybe I'm not really listening for the answer. Or maybe I'm afraid of the answer.

If I'm so afraid of change, why at this point in my life am I being faced with these questions?

So this brings me to my cross roads. So my dear friends ask this of you who read and follow my blog. Please pray for me that I find the road that I need to take.
The road that will bring me love and happiness.

Getting ready for Act 2, the show must go on.

My life is a lot like a theater. Sometimes I can remember the words and sometimes well I just go "blank".
I have been trying to improve myself since I'm no longer working and try and make the new and improved version of myself.
I know that just like the theater to be better at anything you have to practice a lot, and you fumble a lot, but you get back up and do it again.
After all "Practice does make Perfect'.
Or in my case a lot of practice.

I've set some personal goals for myself this year and one of those goals is to lose weight. I don't want to just loose weight I want to be a healthier version of myself.
So every morning I get up, and I roll out of bed and I exercise for the day.
Some days I exercise twice a day. I want to make sure the fat is flying off the body like no ones business.
I think losing weight is a big deal because it is not just diet change it is a life changing.

I know that for me I already have so many strikes against me medically that if I don't change soon and fast I won't be around much longer.
I come from a long line of Miera's and Albo's who genetics I've been lucky to get.
Some of the genetics have been great like my skin is nice and smooth and young looking. That is the Italian from my Mother's side of family.
I also got my Mom's high cholesterol and heart problems, and from my Dad's side I got the diabetes and the blood that clots also known as Factor Five Leiden.
The blood disorder is what caused me to get a blood clot in my brain.

If I would of known of these disorders at the beginning of my life I could of prevented some of the damage that happened to me when I had my children. There could of been some sort of prevention. The good news is now that my children and my family can all be tested and prevent anything negative happening to them when they have children.

Personal Growth

It not good keeping your emotions locked away, other wise you become numb.
Healing my heart and soul is what this adventure is about.

I have felt like a injured soul not truly knowing the sum of who I am.
It has been hard to see the positive things in my life.

I know that I'm loved by the Lord, and that I am a child of God. That I have been blessed with a family that loves me.

My mother, bless her heart, tells me every day, "Anita I love you more than anything, and don't you ever forget."

Every one in my family has their own way of showing me they love me. For instance, Logan, my son, is more vocal, so every time he passes by me he says, "Mom I love you." Some day that can be every five minutes and very annoying, but I am grateful that he expresses his love for me.

The way Ashley expresses her love for me is more in what she does for me.
She makes sure that I have eaten something that day, or will make me a sandwich.
She usually run to store to get me a Diet Dr. Pepper. Ashley often tells me that she loves me and I do love hearing her voice.

Samantha is a lot harder at telling me she loves me. I know she does love me, but I have not heard her actually say "I love you Mom". Honestly I don't know when those words were last spoken to me.

When our children were little one thing I made sure of, is they knew they are loved. Knowing you're loved was important to my parents, and they always expressed their love to me growing up. I wanted my children to feel the power of love like I had known through out my life.

My top priority when my children were first born was to show them my love. I would often take their sweet little spirits into my arms to show them. By rocking and singing to them and telling them how much I loved them.

Samantha and I have always gotten along until she became a teenager. As a working full time mother I missed out on spending time with my children. Lately they never seem to let me forget how bad of mom I was because I was always gone. When I got home I usually fell right to sleep because of my illnesses. Most of the time I slept until the next morning, and then we would go through the same routine again.

I was m.i.a in their lives. That was never something I did on purpose. I often wonder if my doctor really even looked for the causes. I was in his office all the time due to illness, and it just makes me wonder why I was never diagnosed before March 2009.

I probably will never know the answer, I'm just Thankful that Dr. Becker helped me find the medical conditions that were killing me.
The longer I went with out surgery or medication, I would not be alive today.

Now I have a grandson, Gunner, to live for, and a new grand baby due in December. Hopefully I will make up with Sammie, and she will see that I'm not such a bad
Mother after all.

There is so much room in my heart, and I hope and pray I can share that with my family and my grand children
I'm not out to change who I am, I'm looking for positive personal growth

Beware of Pride

I spent the last couple of days reading, and re-reading this article that my Missionary daughter Ashley had given me to read on Pride. My heart has been so heavy these last few years and more so since I've had no contact with my family.

Sometimes it is as if she knows my heart and soul better than I do. I've been struggling these last couple of years with the death of my father. Then the loss of my sisters and brothers, no they did not pass away, they had told me to not contact them ever again.

Let me explain a little more in depth. When my Dad was alive our family always flocked to the home where we were raised. Nothing was better than spending time with Mom and Dad. It was the weekend family meeting place, and Dad was the glue that kept our family together.

Through good or bad times, dad was always the man with answers, and if he didn't have the answers there was an amazing comfort that he would always offer. Dad and Mom made going back home to visit a loving place. Their home was a soft place to land.

Being the youngest girl, I had a special bond with my father and mother.
In 1999 Dad was diagnosed with Cancer. When the doctors found out he was in stage 4 already.

It was hard on me because about 4 years earlier I moved to Southern Utah.
I drove down every single weekend for eight months while Dad was sick. He only lived for that eight months, and during that time my Mother, who was like a Saint, waited hand and foot on dad until his last days.

After dad passed Mom got out of the house because she could no longer live there, and there were too many memories of the man she loved for almost 50 years.
She lived in the Clinton area for awhile, and then one day she asked me if she could come live with my family in St. George. I was only too happy to have her, and we spent all waking moment together.

Then my brother, John, moved down and they suddenly became room mates.
That is when contention with my family went from bad to worse.
This is when the jealousy and family fights started.

I was blamed for bringing my Mom down to St. George. I did bring her, but she asked me to. Fighting and bickering began happening with the family that lived up north toward Salt Lake.
All the fighting with my family cause me grief to a point where I became physically ill.

The last time I had spoken to my family was before my nieces wedding. It has been three years, or more since I have spoken to any of my brothers or sister.

Quoted from Ensign Article,
Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989, 4
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"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)

I know that I have been guilty of being prideful, and I promise that I'm not boastful or conceited. But I have, in sense, made my family my adversary, or they have made me their adversary.

I know the hatred won't go away until we all realize we are family. What disservice are we doing to our mother by not allowing each other be together.

I have tried to reconcile and remedy the situation, but I was told that I am taboo.